Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
