Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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