Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
