Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Do vagina's smell?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
