I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
