woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
