Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
