i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
