This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
