It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
