last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
