someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Who died my cat blue again?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
