I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
