I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
