he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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