Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
