i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
