my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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