you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
whose parrot is this?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
