Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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