I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
