so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
