Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
