I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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