He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
