Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
