Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
