My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
