Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
