Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
is wine microwaveable?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
