True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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