Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Your cock deserves a montage
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
