My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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