I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
