everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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