I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
