my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In other news, I just burned my penis
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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