If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
