oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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