It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
