so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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