he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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