just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
