I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
