i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
