and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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