is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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