In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
