Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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