is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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