I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
